The Kirby Salesman- Did I give him your phone number?

As I start to write this, the Kirby salesman is cleaning my air conditioning intake grate.

Let's go back in time about 30 minutes.

30 minutes ago, as I'm closing the mini-blinds so the afternoon sun doesn't blind us while we're eating Dinner.

Tuscan Pot Roast and steamed Broccoli.

There's my husband out the window talking to a bunch of strange men in suits, driving a beat up van. They hand him a roll of Bounty; (Quicker Thicker Picker Upper) through the window. Unsuspecting young man in suit steps away from the trunk carrying 2 large and heavy boxes. Toward my door. Van speeds away.

I know where this is going. My husband enjoys traveling salesmen. He can spend hours with a traveling salesman.

The suit is assembling his machine in my living room. I don't even have carpet. Husband walks past me to get a dish towel. I whisper to him "we don't even have carpet." He laughs and says "Hey Mike, Hahahah, I just realized we don't even have carpet." Mike the suit says "It's OK, you'll be amazed at all the things the Kirby super dee duper chrome thing can clean."

I roll my eyes and try cooking dinner faster. Yeah- let's eat NOW.

I'm filling a pan with the hottest water to boil pasta. Put a lid on it, to trap the steam... boil boil boil faster dammit...

Mister frigging Hannigan walks past again, this time for a cup of water.

Mike says quite seriously "Does anyone in this house like Bubbles?" Before the-man-I-am-legally-bound-to can answer, two of my munchkins are jumping up and down shouting "I like Bubbles, me me me." And he proceeds to show them a demonstration of the upholstery cleaning machine on a dish towel (we have leather furniture.)

G1 asks - Hey, does that machine vacuum up Dust mites? Suit says Yes. G1 runs into the kitchen shouting "Mommy, Dads new vacuum even sucks up dust mites, so they won't crawl on us in our sleep, biting our skin cells. Hey that reminds me"..(runs back into living room while I dump the pasta into the -finally- boiling water)Back in the living room, she says "So if we use that on our mattresses, it can remove the dead skin cells that accumulate every night?" Suit laughs at her precociousness and says Yes. She runs back into the kitchen (as if I didn't hear) and says "Mom, now we don't have to worry about the fifteen pounds of dead skin cells that end up in our mattress while we're sleeping anymore. Dad's new Vacuum will remove them all and make our mattresses like new, isn't that amazing?" and she skips off to see what else the Amazing Mike Kirby has in store for us.

Mike says "How do you currently remove the leaves from your lawn?" MrH says "Well, um, that's a funny story, because you see that tree across the street..." I can't listen anymore, I must stir something. Noodles aren't done yet.

Mike says "So tell me, what kind of vacuum are you currently using?" Mr H (who has never used a vacuum) says "I think we've got an Oreck." Mike laughs at him, yes AT him; "you got her that little 8 pound Oreck?" and chuckles away so as to make my Mr H feel a little less manly for providing his wife with a vacuum that isn't chrome and doesn't blow bubbles. Vacuum envy, a rotten trick.

Many amazing and fantastic things are going on in my living room. At one point I hear they're sucking the dust out of the window track. They better do all the frigging windows. Husband comes in to dump the cup of water. "Make sure all the windows are done" He returns and says "Oh man, we need to finish that window, the clean spot sticks out like a sore thumb." And Mike finishes the window. Thanks, Mike. I love that man (The sneaky MrH, not the suit)

Noodles are almost done. Scoop some of the boiling water out to steam the broccoli faster. G1 runs into the Kitchen... "Mom, Mike cleaned Dad's keyboard with the teeny weeny sucker attachment." "HEY HONEY" Mr H Shouts; We could have saved $2500 when M2 stuck the garbanzo bean up her nose. This attachment is so tiny, it would have been perfect." I shout "cool" What else would I have said; we didn't pay $2500 for that, we had Insurance, it was free and I think he just wanted to mess with the guy.

Dinner is ready. Kids are setting the table. M1 says "Mom, I think Dad's messing with the guy; he's making him vacuum the bricks on the fireplace." I say "I know, isn't it sexy" just because it makes her gag when I call him that.

Table is set; kids decide to play along. "Dinner smells so good, Mom" says E1, it's believable. M1 whispers "Mom, is it rude to eat in front of him?" Good point. "Mike, Are you hungry? Are you sure? I set you a place here at the table?"

Mike's not allowed to eat on the job. Mike has to turn in a certain amount of dirty display discs for however long he's here. They're like his timecard. I ask him to clean the antique gold chair. Great grandma's skin cells are pretty much gone.

After we're done eating dinner, I have a crying baby who needs to nurse. I take the laptop into the bedroom hoping I didn't forget anything funny because I just KNEW I had to blog this stupid moment in time.

I can hear them. In the hall. Right outside my door.

Mike squats down to kid level and says "Did you ever wake up with crusties in your eye?" Mr H and his kids are falling over themselves to tell their eye-crusty stories to the Kirby man. Mr Mike Kirby squats down to the kids level and says "if you're scared of creepy things them you might want to cover your eyes, OK. This is a picture of a dust mite. When you're sleeping they crawl all over you and they drink the water in your eyes. Those crusties are their poop." Then he switches on the vacuum and fills the black disk with dead skin cells and dirt and whatever else is inside the mattress while the kids switch from shrieks of horror at bug poop in their eyes to watchful interest because this is G1 and M2's bed.

Baby falls asleep, I type what I can remember and then I decide to go get it over with. I'm telling him "no" because that's how we play this game in my house. Husband listens to the pitch and I am the one that says no. Husband meets me at the bedroom door and says "I'm going to eat dinner now, could you..." gesturing to the Kirby man. "Oh, It's my turn now, I get to be the bad guy?" It was painless, really. Apparently Mike doesn't even talk finances and sales; the big suit who picks him up is the designated "In for the kill" guy. Even he was easy; I just said no. no. no. no. It's hard to go back and forth when you're up against a wall.

It's a good product. The Mercedes Benz of Vacuums, Mike says. We just can't get one right now. When you're living off your savings it isn't wise to buy fancy vacuums. We can, however, help out Mr Mike by helping him win a trip to meet the President of the Company and Warren Buffet at National Headquarters. He just needs a few referrals. I was a little caught up in the moment so I gave him 20. Is your name on the following list? Well, no-one's name is actually on it because I'm not putting your names online, but I will put on your initials and a little fact about you and you can talk to Mr Mike yourself.

In case you're wondering how low they'll go, the bottom line offer I got was ZERO down and $59 a month starting in July- 3 months from now.

OK, here's my list

1-EM, who likes my treehouse & booknook and has great taste in handbags

2-JH, who is enjoying a trip to Yosemite right now and has only ever posted ONE blog post in her life (Yeah, I'm subscribed)

3-JK, the massaging mom of SFK, who has beautiful roses and I"m sorry about your Grandma.

4-NS, wife of JS and Mamma to the other M, who asked me 4 yrs ago if I read Dooce and I had no idea what you were talking about. I think she was more interesting 4 yrs ago than she is now.

5-AD, who is as up to her ears in cookies as I am, I had a great time with your girls the other day, they are very sweet.

6-KB, I know you're busy, probably way too busy to read my blog, but our girls have had a lot of fun hanging out with eachother lately, have you seen all their videos?

7-S. I'm hoping it was SF, the mother of SH who dances all day long but it might have been SS, the daughter of SS who first convinced us to move to Yakima. Sorry, there was just a first name in my blackberry

8-DR, Yes, you with the 2 boys. I don't know if you have a Kirby, I wouldn't be surprised, but I added you because I was sure you wouldn't get mad at me

9-DDH, I hear you keep an immaculate house, I wonder if the Kirby will be able to find anything icky in there. If he does, then you might want one. No dust mites, didn't ou say there was an allergy?

10-DH (which is not an acronym for dear husband in this case)- I don't even like you to be honest. That is exactly why you're on the list. And I know you don't read this blog. You are a little crazy and over dramatic. You'll never find a decent man that way, not that you want one. We read your sleazy text messages and you might want to get some counseling. And no matter what you think, your cats DO piss everywhere. And in case you're wondering; I WAS offended when you stopped in to pick up your paperwork and I was friendly to you and you were short with me, Bitch. You will always be a loser.

11-DC, I rarely see you, but every time I do, you are pleasant and helpful. I don't know if you're in a position to get a Kirby but I know you'd appreciate one out in the country like that.

12- DC, Oh- another DC. I could repeat this note except that this DC doesn't live in the country, this DC lives up the street and around the corner from me. I want to start going to your MOPS group but it interferes with 4H.

13-SR, no offense with the MOPS thing, I love your MOPS but I know more people at DCs and I really want to do both, is that possible? I don't know if you read this, but publicly posting this is fair warning. i think you'd like a Kirby.

14-AM, yeah your name & number popped up- I just threw it in. You're a Mom. You're busy with all that convention stuff and I just think you deserve a cool homemaking tool.

15-CB, another one with the perfect house. If anyone deserves a Kirby, it's you. I wouldn't be surprised if you already had one.

16-ED; I know you told me you and A read this blog so if you don't want the Kirby guy coming around, just tell him NO but I put you down because I knew you'd get this message.

17-HH; you're the hippy chick single gal who lives around the corner from me. You won't even know who I am when the guy calls you. My daughter walks your dog sometimes and instead of paying her with real money you give her costume jewelry and scarves, which she loves. You might buy the vacuum, and it will collect dust because you'll never remember to use it.

18-RH, you're on the list because your daughter was here when the Kirby man was here. You share a daughter with #4 above, so you might read this, but I doubt it. I hear you're back in school, that is neat. H is growing up so nicely, I'm glad to hear you're all doing well.

19-KB because I saw you today. I gave him your old phone number because I didn't have your new one handy. I felt strongly about filling up his list.

20-LT, I'll bet MT would love a new Kirby, I KNOW he has dust mite allergies, and with the ferrets running around, you'd probably love a Kirby. We miss you.