My So-called Reality Show

NOTE- I took a screenwriting class once and every now and then when something surreal happens; my mind puts it into this format. SFX means "special effects"

EXTERIOR EVENING
Woman, mid 30's long dark hair exits home full of giggling children. Slightly crazed look on her face, she calls into the house

WOMAN
And When I get back, the dishwasher better be loaded

She heads down the street toward Safeway; 2 blocks away. SFX SOUND: (Flip flops, deep sigh of relief) SFX Smell-O-vision (cool night air)

1 block ahead, an OLD BOY, (because young man isn't quite right) early 20's barrels out of his house 20 paces ahead of her, without looking behind him.

WOMAN
(thinking to herself)
hmmm, he didn't see me here before him, he's going to think I am following him. I'll try to look casually harmless in case he's dangerous.

Woman tosses her long hair and turns to the side a bit so the baby's head can be seen bobbling around in the front carrier. A Maya ring sling in blue denim, in case it matters.

Man slows down and turns around, having heard the flip flopping.

Woman
(thinking to herself)
the flip flops are good, no bad guy would wear flip flops, so he'll know I'm not a bad guy. Oh my Goodness, this block is dark. What if he is a bad guy?

Boy
Hey

Woman
(thinking to herself)
Hey; how do I respond to Hey?

Woman
(getting the balls to speak out loud because silence is awkward and ignoring him would be rude)
Excuse me? (using a voice that she hopes says "don't hurt me")

Boy
Oh, Sorry, I thought you were following me

Woman
(using a voice that says "I am a dork") Haa Haa, when I saw you come out of the house I thought you'd think I was following you, but I really was here first, you just didn't see me when you came out.

And now their paces are matched turning what was supposed to be a silent walk in peace into an unwelcome social event.

Boy
Oh I'm sorry. I just heard your footsteps and it kind of freaked me out

Woman
Yeah, I was trying not to be freaky but it's dark. Sorry

Boy
Well That was weird. I'm Thomas, It's nice to meet you

Woman
I'm Mrs Hannigan, it's nice to meet you, too.

Boy
So you're the one that drives the big Suburban, right?

Woman
Um Yeah, and you're the one who sits next to the dumpster reading books with your ipod, right?

Boy
yeah, I try to watch TV but I turn on the news and it's all bad stuff, so I just like to sit outside and read a book, I like to keep an eye on things.

Woman
Well that's nice; like a neighborhood watch. Much appreciated.

Boy
Yeah, last year I saw this little blue car pull up outside the old folks' home in the middle of the day and they were scoping it out, so when they came back a few days later, I knew what they were doing.

Woman
Oh Wow, in this neighborhood? Did you call the police?

Boy
No, no one was home there. And hey ahd an alarm system going off too. I don't like to call the police because sometimes I like to sit outside and smoke a little J or two.

Woman
(thinking to herself)
Oh my gosh, did he just say what I think he said, and he didn't call the police because he was stoned and Oh my god think of something to say before the silence goes on too long and then he starts to read my mind and justify things.....

Woman
(finally out loud)
HaaHaa no doubt, well, we all have our vices

Woman
(thinking to herself)
don't say vices, it's like a police word, he'll think you're a narc or something

Woman
(out loud)
well if it's my house, you just call anonymously, then they won't hassle you

Woman
(thinking to herself)
Oh god, now he knows I don't have an alarm

Woman
(out loud)
because you never know about how fast the alarm companies respond

Woman
(thinking to herself)
Oh no- I don't have an alarm- and I don't have anything to protect when I'm gone, except my computers, our livelihoods right now- and Oh no- if he thinks we have an alarm he'll think we have more to protect...

Woman
(stops thinking because it's time to cross the street)

They cross the street. Luckily the thought pattern has been broken.

Boy
Well, it was nice to meet you.

Woman
It was nice to meet you, too

Boy presumably walks in the direction he was originally heading and Woman deliberately walks in an opposite-ish direction.

Fade Out